I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
