I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
