The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Green mimosas i think yes
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Drake has all the answers
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
