"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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