nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
