I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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