I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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