Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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