Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
