I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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