I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
