my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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