the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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