tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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