So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
