I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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