time to smoke my breakfast
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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