Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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