I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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