That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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