im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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