does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
