maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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