Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
