I heard we made out
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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