True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
