I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
