He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
