Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
