Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
