Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
