You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
