I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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