____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
