Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
