Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
