look no pants
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
