She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
