I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
