If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's Friday. Sex?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
