You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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