It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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