my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
