if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
