In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
