i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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