Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
