Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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