I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
