Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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