Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
