I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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