Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
