it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
